‘Leviticus’ and Dr. Laura

I am reposting an e-mail I just got. I don’t know where it was originally
posted, or I would give credit, but the author is credited at the bottom
of the page. I found this hilarious – I hope you do too.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following
response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which
was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian

1 Comment

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  By Jack W. Clooney, July 28, 2010 @ 1:37 pm

  First exclusive comment from Jack. This is odd… Somebody is finding humour in laws that are outdated. The Levites were under the law of moses. Any one who’s educated knows that… I’m political incorrect and proud of it… I agree with the Levites, if you stoned all the homosexuals “Hollywood Babylon” would sink like the Titanic. Finally there would be some room for the indie film makers whose sexuality isn’t perveted, to be able to breathe. I’m standing up for heterosexuals and humanitarians. As for dog medicine how about pavlov. Somebody is mixed up with their psychology and their pet food. Yeah let’s follow sparky he has four legs, furry, knows how to hunt. Or how about Paris Hilton she seems smarter than your average chihuahua… Who’s man’s best friend something that barks, or a being that creates cities, and goes to the moon…. John f. Kennedy said it right “We choose to go to the moon.” Dandelion sounds great…I suggest you give people some real inner work to ponder. Red Tape Shaminism vs. Spirituality. Unity, Compassion, Humility. Just imagine if more people acted like that, their would be more humans and less people like beasts on the planet. Come and get me Dr. Laura and Aura we can duke it out on Jerry Springer.
  What a circus… Keeping it mental. Yours truly the outrageous Captain Jack. See you on the high seas. Arrghhh. Riding the rough waters.Any pirate wenches out there let me know ye land lubers… Jack The Kinder Gentler Pirate.

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